Michael Jackson's Moonwalker

-Sega (1990)

 

Summary

Oh poor, sad Michael. Why must you make me hate you?

My Thoughts

I'll give you one guess why that kid is crying for help.

There was a simpler time, back in the 80s and even into the early 90s, when Michael Jackson wasn't considered a pedophile or at best, insane. There was a more innocent time when he was just this rich guy that liked kids a lot. Much has changed over the last several years, and Michael has done his best to soil his once golden image. That's why Michael Jackson’s Moonwalker is one hell of an odd relic of the past. For those of you who don't know, Moonwalker is based on a film that's a mix of music videos and sections where Michael is some sort of robot thing from space that saves kids from an evil Joe Pesci.

Everyone gets "funky."

I can't say that I'm against the concept of the game. It’s a stab at something different. You play as the heroic King of Pop, blasting baddies and rescuing kids. Nothing wrong so far, right? The problem lies in that it's a crappy game to begin with, but what makes it worse is that it made me feel like a dirty child molester after playing it. What's great about this game is that from the look of Jackson's almost skeleton face that it was made right on that cusp of his transition from celebrity weirdo to insane freak. The times in which he could have his own Disney ride and videogame weren't over yet, but that crotch grabbing, surrogate baby making, barber pole penis, can't get a hit on the radio future was nearly at hand for Jackson.

Jackson-bot shares his gift with the world!

Moonwalker’s plot is as vague as the film version. At the end of the game you find out that Joe Pesci was building a giant laser to destroy mankind, but in between that there are lots of standard villains and trapped kids. You've got to wonder at the ego of a guy who pictures himself as the savior of children and all humanity, but I digress. All the action in Moonwalker is sort of a beat-um-up that takes place in a 3/4th top view. You can team up with up to two other players as you take control of Michael himself. Its one thing to have a robotic Michael Jackson saving the children, but it’s an entirely different experience having three super-powered child molesters on screen at one time.

Yes, that is a giant penis on that machine.

As you go through each level beating up bad guys and saving kids, midi tunes of some of Jackson's songs play in the background. These songs, like "Bad" and "Smooth Criminal," are some of the only vestiges of talent that Michael once possessed and are one of the very few highlights of this car wreck besides the weirdness factor. Other points of interest include your special attack. When you have any number of enemies on screen at one time you can use the special attack to begin dancing like a crazy fool. The baddies will be so enwrapped with his magical and wondrous moves, like a 6-year-old boy drunk on wine, that they'll begin to dance as well. After they are done dancing, Michael will kill them all. His regular move is kind of a short ranged energy blast that’s pretty useless against the multitude of enemies and a charged energy blast that will allow you to moonwalk while you charge up. Whoopie!

Yeah, sure, it's a gun that shoots ghosts.

The game gets really old quickly, considering that you fight the same enemies all of the time. There are only about five varieties of bad guys that range between guy with gun, guy with knife, and robots. Speaking of robots, Moonwalker's most disturbing moments are caused by them. The first robot that was noteworthy sort of looked like a vacuum with a long hose that shot at me. “Okay, that was sort of phallic,” I think. Then there was the two legged machine that shoved a giant piston into you from in between its legs. “By God, that’s disgusting,” I said. It was about the point where I saw the giant spooge cannon that I needed to take a break from the game.

Oh, that explains it!

Top it all off with an appearance by Bubbles the chimp and Michael turning into a super robot sporadically throughout the game and you have yourself one hell of a side show. I really can’t recommend it for anybody, unless that is you’re one of the five people left on Earth who still thinks Michael Jackson is great.

Score: 2.0

-Paul

 

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