Tips for a Better Battlestar 2 

We made this.

It’s that time again, time for more suggestions for the epic sci-fi television series, Battlestar Galactica. A lot has changed since I wrote Tips for a Better Battlestar; most notably Commander Tigh has an eye patch and Starbuck is a slutty bitch. Why is the former important? Because, I suggested it months ago! Since the creators of Battlestar Galactica obviously read this site and must be huge fans who worship us when not working on the greatest television show of all time, I thought I’d throw out some more suggestions for them. 

• The show needs more manipulative women. If the school of hard knocks has taught me anything, is that women are cold and calculating. Battlestar Galactica has a few characters that are like this, Tigh’s wife, Six (in Baltar’s head version), almost all of the robot chicks, and Dee when she dropped Billy for Mr. Hot-pants Apollo, but we need more. Every woman should at least have some alternate agenda, to help younger viewers know that women are evil and should not be trusted. 

• I think it's time to bring in a chimpanzee who can solve crimes.

• Bring back Billy. Sure we’d all like to be Apollo, but inside most of us are really Billy. As soon as Dee started getting goo-goo eyes for Apollo, we all knew the poor bastard was toast. And yes, I know he died onscreen and all, but that’s something that can easily be fixed. Just have Starbuck find a vampire hideout and Billy be in there alive and well, strapped to a chair. Everyone can then act like he never died on screen. It worked for Blade II, why can’t it work for Battlestar Galactica? 

• What is with all the violence on the show? Can't they just solve their problems with hugs?

• Mail viewers new socks. My supply ran low last season from getting blown off. 

• A character should call the fleshy Cylons Repulicants, because they are after all, evil robot Republicans.  

• It’s still not too late to bring Boxy back. Perhaps there should be an entire Boxy episode that explains where he’s been the whole time. Maybe he stole a Raptor to look for gold with a crazy old man, and in the end he learned that it’s not right to steal even if you have a good reason and that crazy old men will only try to rape you.

• The characters should just openly mock Star Trek. I don't care if it's out of character. It would be great.

• More fat people. Apollo getting fat was awesome. I think the series should cut away for another year and everyone is really fat from that algae stuff. Just imagine a whole ship of fat asses that are fat breathers with bad cases of diabetes. I smell Emmy!

• A whole planet full of cuddly pug dogs. Need I say more?  

• Full frontal nudity of everyone on the series. 

• Just imagine how cool it would be if they landed on a planet that was just like the American old west. There could totally be like this awesome gun fight like in the cowboy movies.

• More angst. I really enjoy when a show is so depressing I want to hang myself. Battlestar is almost there, so keep it going! 

• Edward James Olmos needs to make a big ra-ra speech every episode. It only happens every other episode right now and that’s kind of pathetic.

• A really good twist in the series could be that everyone finds out that the Cylons are really the humans and that all the humans are really the Cylons. Of course, the creators would be then sued by all the families of nerds whose brains exploded instantaneously.

• They’ve given us the eye patch… now where are the Space Ninjas!?

- Paul - 01/17/07