Van Helsing

-Universal (2004)

Summary:

Just a note to all you kids out there. If you turn into a werewolf or the Hulk, either your skin will start falling off or you grow five times bigger than normal, just remember… your pants will still stay right on you.

My Thoughts:

****Warning: Spoilers Ahead*****

There are plenty of films that I desperately want to like because of their concept and visual appeal. Van Helsing was one of these films. What's not to like about a kick ass monster hunter? Unfortunately, plenty.

Van Helsing starts out fine enough with an homage to old horror films, in this case Universal's 1930s Frankenstein. The twist is that Dr. Frankenstein is in league with Count Dracula. Dracula, played by Richard Roxburg (in one of the worst portrayals of the villain I've ever seen) has some unknown plan for Frankenstein’s monster who is ultimately lost in a battle with the enraged peasants. The film then takes us to the character of Van Helsing, played by Hugh Jackman in a stupid hat, battling Mr. Hyde in France in a scene that seemed to come from a better movie, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

The film is a fun escapist ride until it goes right off the rails when Van Helsing steps foot in Transylvania. It handles plot and exposition like kindergartener's first coloring of Snoopy. There is a lot of needless exposition before this point... okay not alot huge tractor trailer loads of exposition. You know, the kind where two characters talk about things they should both know like:

Priest Guy: "Van Helsing, as you and I both know, you work for the church and can't remember your past."

Van Helsing: "That is true, but I am a kick ass monster hunter with a thankless job as you know as well.."

Priest: "I'm glad we had this discussion."

Once in Transylvania, the convoluted plot destroys any hope that I had left in the film. It all boils down to an atrocious screenplay. Writer and director Stephen Sommers tries too hard to give Van Helsing a twist, but if you’re going to make a B film and you're a bad writer keep it simple. I cringed as soon it was related through pointless dialogue that Van Helsing had amnesia. I knew that there would be some retarded “revelation” by the end of the film, and I wasn’t let down. The dialogue, which at times is witty, is lost in an elaborate maze of one liners and efforts to get the plot across. The screenplay also has some of the most obvious foreshadowing in film history. Where is Dracula's castle? I knew the answer in about ten seconds. The only unpredictable plot points were the ones that were too damn confusing, and believe me, there are a ton of those throughout this wreck. By the time I reached the film's Return of the Jedi ending, it left me disappointed and full of questions. How long does Frankenstein have to be hooked up to the machine before it can give permanent life to Dracula's young? How exactly did Dracula control werewolves? How did Van Helsing become the left hand of God? Why did he kill Dracula in the first place? How did he lose his memory? More importantly why should I care?

Van Helsing's only saving grace is its sense of style. The film is similar in approach to The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen in that it portrays a past filled with futuristic technology. I'm a big fan of this future-past technology and there's enough of it in Van Helsing to keep me happy. The actors do their best job to not look stupid as they meander through the mess of a plot. Hugh Jackman looks like he is having fun playing the role. Kate Beckinsale is simply hot, and David Wenham convincingly plays the slightly humorous friar. Like I mentioned before, Richard Roxburg plays the worst version of Dracula I've ever seen. When he laments how he can feel nothing, I only wanted to laugh at the over the top hamming being performed. It’s really a shame because Roxburg played M in The League of Extraordinary Gentleman and did a much better job in that film.

If you want brainless action there are some pretty good sequences to get you if your in the mood for mindless cinema. I especially enjoyed the final battle and the carriage chase scenes. What I didn’t understand was why most of the scenes involved swinging on ropes or chains or what have you. With all the swinging around on long ropes I thought I had mistakenly put in some sort of weird fetish film.

Simply put, Van Helsing is a fun film if you don't want to think at all. If you don't think that the complete changes to the character of Van Helsing and Vampire mythos, or a confusing plot will bother you then it might be the film for you. As for the edition, the picture quality of this edition is rather standard. The surround mix is rather mediocre and it fails to deliver as much excitement as what you see on screen.

Extras:

There are plenty of extras packed onto to the disc to round out your Van Helsing experience. Considering how horrible the film is, this edition is quiet extravagant. First off, there are two commentary tracks. One has director Stephen Sommers and editor/producer Bob Duscay, the other features commentary by actors Roxburg, Shuler Henley, and Will Kemp. The director’s track is the most fun you could possibly have listening to two guys talking about a bad film like its great that you can have. The actors track was super boring.

“Explore Castle Dracula” is one of the weirdest and pointless extras I’ve seen in a long time. By the magic of DVD you can explore the set of Dracula’s castle, complete with “spooky” commentary. Dumb. Maybe its just me, but I also found the “Bloopers” section just as stupid.

“Bringing the Monsters to Life” is a behind the scenes look into creature design, makeup, and special effects. Since the special effects were done by Industrial Light and Magic, they are particularly good. The featurette was one of the few extras I enjoyed on the disc aside from “You are in the Movie!” “You are in the Movie!” is a simple feature which lets you see footage taken from a camera mounted to the main camera’s during production.

“The Legend of Van Helsing” looked like it might have been an okay extra, but instead of really focusing on the original character, it details the Van Helsing presented in the film. Again, this one is pretty much a waste. There’s also a couple of trailers for the film and even one for Shriek 2. Oh boy, what a great marketing match! 

Score:

Film: 6.0

Extras:  6.0

Edition: 6.0

-Paul